Celebrity Magazine

I’d Take Them All Out To Mc Donald’s…

2008-09-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Should Stick To Girls, Not Music

2008-09-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

ACTRESS Lindsay Lohan has revealed she has a girlie crush on Angelina Jolie. The stunner, who famously fancied Brad Pitt, says she has now turned her attentions to his sexy partner. (The Sun)

Why is it that every straight girl has a crush on Angelina Jolie? Has she become an easy answer because most true lesbians like myself (shh don’t tell anyone), find her very unattractive. If you like chicks that walk around looking half dead then by all means enjoy. Personally, I like my women a little more rich in iron…or coked up. It doesn’t matter. As long as they look healthy.

In other news, I listened to Lindsay Lohan’s new album today. It’s really awful. I recommend that you download it illegally.

Update: I spoke to a sex psychologist and he answered my question; “All straight girls are attracted to Angelina Jolie because ALL girls are bi-sexual. WOOHOO!

Jolene Blalock Has A Granny Face

2008-03-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

I never watched Star Trek: Enterprise but I’d flip by it while channel surfing and see Jolene Blalock. I always thought she was the hottest thing on TV. That has quickly changed after viewing these photos. I never seen a 3o year old with such bad skin except when they’re serious drug users (hmm…she did date Edward Furlong). Who knows? Maybe she had unlicensed plastic surgeon? Let’s hope that it’s just the lighting and the heavy foundation that’s making her look like Keith Richards’ twin. It would be a shame that such a hot piece of ass take a turn for the worse at such a young age.

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Big, Bigger and Biggest!

2008-03-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

You got to give the tag along some credit (sorry, I’m too lazy to do a name search on her). Standing next Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson can be a frightening experience. Especially, when you look like you just ate them. At least she tried.

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Tyra Banks: ‘Americas Top Mustache’

2008-03-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

These are pics of Tyra Banks at ‘America’s Next Top Model Finale’. I’m not a picky person but wouldn’t you think she’d have her upper lip waxed considering she’s the host. It’s not like she took a month off work and is in lazy mode. She’s the one who’s going to decide for us the next big thing. Personally, I don’t trust her abilities, not with that mustache. Nor should you.

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Penelope Cruz See Through Pictures

2008-03-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

These pictures of Penelope Cruz are from her latest film “The Late Goodnight”. Personally, I wish they were a little sexier because she looks awful in this scene. I was never a fan of Penelope Cruz and these pics definitely aren’t going to change that.

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Sophie Anderton Who?

2008-03-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

Sophie Anderton was catapaulted into the spotlight after a prominent advertising campaign modelling Gossard bras. Her career has never really lived up to the early promise, but she has stayed in the public eye thanks largely to a following among the tabloid press, who have ruthlessly documented her party lifestyle, love affairs (particularly with footballer Mark Bosnich) and cocaine addiction. In 2004 she was a contestant on the fourth series of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.(Wikipedia)

I know nothing about this girl and I don’t do drugs but if she asked me to “party” with her. Let’s just say I’d probably OD.

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Ahh! Scarlett Johansson’s Breasts

2008-03-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

I want to confess my love for Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. It’s not very often that I fall in love with a girl for her breasts before falling in love with her ass. However, they’re just so big and she’ so skinny. What more can I guy ask for?

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Kristanna Loken’s Nipple Ring

2008-03-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

You might know Kristanna Loken for being a model or perhaps from her “breakthrough” role starring opposite of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 3. I know her as the the blond at the “Spike TV Video Game Awards” starving for attention. This outfit is terrible and I can’t figure out what she did with her boobs. Is there black paint on them? And if so, why is she wearing a dress? It defeats the purpose of the fashion statement.

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Lucy Pinder & Michelle Marsh’s S&M Christmas

2008-03-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

These pictures of Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh are absolutely boring. They’re not sexy or even funny. I’m not too familiar with either of them but I don’t understand how mediocre looking models can get so popular in England. I know there’s better looking girls in England because I’ve been there. Don’t tell me this is the “Cream Of Crop”.

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Kate Beckinsale Is A Healthy Smoker

2008-03-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

I go to the gym 3 times a week. I need to keep my body in optimal shape because running a website, believe it or not, takes a toll on you. What I noticed at the club is that a lot of girls don’t even work out. They dress up in sexy outfits and hang around the bar for hours trying to pick up “Juice Monkeys” who can’t even get erections. What’s even more pathetic is that they go outside every so often to smoke. I don’t know how you could not be embarrassed by doing that. I guess Kate Beckinsale’s isn’t.

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Michelle Trachtenberg Looks Young

2008-03-09T12:57:00.000-07:00

I think Michelle Trachtenberg is a cute girl but when is she going to grow up? I believe she’s 21 and yet she doesn’t look a day over 13. There’s got to be a point in life when your face matures. It’s one thing to be gifted with good genetics, however everyone has good genetics up until they hit adolescence.

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Christina Aguilera’s Hair Is Gross

2008-03-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

Remember when Christina Aguilera was a “Genie In a Bottle” and you wanted to rub her the right way? Boy, times have changed. There’s one thing I hate more than anything in the world and that’s girls who dye their hair the same color as my grandmother. It’s grosses me out and it makes young girls look old. Now, why would you want to do that?

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Heather Locklear Is Nippy

2008-03-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

These pics of Heather Locklear are from last weeks L’Oreal and Harper’s Bazaar fundraiser event. I’m sure Heather’s outfit must have helped make a few extra bucks for cancer research. Looking at her in that dress makes me want to donate money right now. I’ve always had a crush on Heather ever since I’ve been a kid and it’s refreshing to see her looking so good. A few months back, magazines were saying that Eva Longoria is the Sexiest Female TV Star Of All Time. These morons forgot to ask my opinion because I’m the only one qualified to make that decision and it’s Heather Locklear.

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Keira Knightley Is Golden

2008-02-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

FILM beauty Keira Knightley has been nominated for a best actress award at the Golden Globes. She is in the running for her role as prim Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice.

I hate this time of year. For the next four months we’re going to hear about a bunch of movies that nobody cares about. I never watched the Golden Globes and I definitely don’t understand how anyone could sit through the Oscars. The thing I hate the most about award season is when celebrities say “I’m so surprised that I was nominated”. Whatever! We know your publicists worked their asses off to get you the nod.

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Santa’s Not Impressed With Carmen Electra…

2008-02-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

And considering she once had sex with Prince, neither am I.

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Marc Anthony Makes JLo Look Good

2008-02-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

Lavoe was one of the biggest Spanish-language singers in the 1970s, but personal tragedy and a heroin addiction left him penniless and dying from complications from AIDS. Known as salsa’s bad boy, he had a crystal-clear voice and an incomparable talent for improvisation.

Can’t you just “wait” for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s movie El Cantante? It seems that Jennifer Lopez likes to make movies with people she’s involved with and they tank. I bet this movie will be a disaster too. However, they did one thing right. By having Marc Anthony in the movie, it will take the focus off JLo’s terrible acting skills.

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“Guess” Who Has Silly Boobs?

2008-02-26T12:46:00.000-08:00

These pics of Jordan are taken from some Guess clothing store. As usual, she’s dressed like a whore. Personally, I never liked her from the neck up but from the neck down, I’d tear her apart. However, she could use a breast reduction. I’m not a fan of silly looking boobs. I once had a lap dance by some fake breasted stripper because I was curious to feel them. I was actually turned off the second I did. Luckily, she had a nice ass and that made my investment worth while.

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Jenna Jameson Can’t Get Action In Arizona

2008-02-26T12:05:00.000-08:00

Porn queen JENNA JAMESON is begging dignitaries in Scottsdale, Arizona to ignore religious zealots who are trying to put her exotic dance club in the city out of business.

I’ve been to many strip clubs that have lap dances. From my experience, 99% of the time a “lap dance” is something much much more. You’d be surprised what an extra 60 bucks can get you. With that in mind, I can understand why religious right groups would like to run Jenna Jameson’s club out of town. She’s a whore. However, it’s better that men go to a safe environment to cheat on their wives because hookers on the street carry diseases and you will get caught when your wife finds out that you have crabs.

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Denise Richard Is A Tease

2008-02-16T13:02:00.000-08:00

I know Denise Richards had a baby but that doesn’t give her an excuse to cover her bum. I couldn’t care less if she had a fat ass or even stretch marks. Denise is the only girl allowed to have flaws because she so damn sexy. She’s in the “I would eat her belly button lint” sexy catergory. Now if only she’d get rid of that hooker lover.

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The Horror Of Scientology

2008-02-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

These pics of Katie Holmes will give you nightmares. Please move on to the next post.

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Vida Guerra Needs The “ThighMaster”

2008-02-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

It’s enough already with Vida Guerra and her big butt. Not only is her ass gross, her face ain’t that pretty. Please don’t send me emails about needing some cushion for the pushin’. That don’t fly with me. I’m happy dating girls who are in good physical form. I’m an expert when it comes to women and their asses. Vida’s is all cellulite. See for yourself.

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Lisa Rinna’s Face Is Scary

2008-02-16T12:52:00.000-08:00

Quick! To make collagen injected Lisa Rinna disappear, click the X on your browser.

Rachel McAdams Is No Longer Hot

2008-02-16T12:48:00.000-08:00

I don’t get Rachel McAdams. Not only doesn’t she take care of her nipple hair, she also dresses like an old hag. When I saw her in ‘Mean Girls’, I thought she was the hottest little vixen out there. I guess some people when they get close to hitting 30 either go up or go down. Well, we know which direction Rachel is going.

Scarlett Johansson Is Classy

2008-02-16T12:44:00.000-08:00

These pics of Scarlett Johansson are from the UK Match Point premiere. I wish more young celebrities would use Scarlett as an example of how to present yourself in public. It’s also a shame that magazines such as Teen People put Paris Hilton on the cover and don’t pay enough attention to real talent. I hope I never have a daughter because the last thing I’d want is for her to emulate Ms. Hilton’s behavior and fashion sense. I think someone like Scarlett would be a better fit for a teen magazine than someone whose claim to fame was blowing a guy in a video.

Carmen Electra’s Bitch Is Hot

2008-02-15T13:28:00.000-08:00

You know what’s not hot? Carmen Electra wearing clothes.

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Fergie? More Like Fattie

2008-02-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

I’m requesting Fergie’s resignation from the Black Eyed Peas. I no longer have the urge to hump her lumps because the only lumps I see from her are called fat deposits. I think success has gone to Fergie’s head and you can tell by the size of it. It’s huge! The Black Eyed Peas need to start auditioning new female vocalists because over eating is an addiction and to support that habit will be costly in the long run.

B-List Turned Poker Groupie: Kelly Monaco

2008-02-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

Only a poker event can bring out the best B-List celebs. I guess when you’re an out of work actor like Kelly Monaco, there’s no better way to occupy your time than to hang around dirty, smelly poker players. I played in a few tournaments and I’ve always been stuck sandwiched between two fat men. That’s why when I play, I prefer to play on the internet because poker players are the biggest losers around. Except for Shannon Elizabeth, who I challenged a few weeks ago to a $10 000 charity heads up game. Still no word from her.

Update: Forgive me. I didn’t know that Kelly Monaco was in Soaps. However, she’s still a B-list.

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Uma Thurman Filming Super Ex-Girlfriend

2008-02-15T12:56:00.000-08:00

A man finds out that his girlfriend is a superhero, but when he breaks up with her for being too neurotic and controlling, she uses her super powers to torment and embarass him.

Hmm… How is this any different than a girl without super powers?

The Pussycat Dolls Revealed?

2008-02-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

Guys, if you in the process of masturbating to The Pussycat Dolls, please stop! Sometimes women don’t always appear to be what you think they may be. I’m not saying that The Pussycat Dolls are transsexuals but I’m a firm believer that if you’re a woman or pretend to be a woman, you shouldn’t have stubble on your arms. You got to wax that before going to a major event. So draw your own conclusions but before you do, watch this reality TV show clip.

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Rhona Mitra’s Lovely Scar

2008-02-15T12:37:00.000-08:00

I’m not too familiar with Rhona Mitra but I know she’s in “Nip/Tuck“. Seems like she’s had some Nip Tucking done herself. Yes, you can see her scar under her boob, if you enlarge the first pic. I don’t know why I find these pics sexy, I’m not even an implant fan. Yet, plastic surgery scars tell me that a girl is insecure and I love insecure women. They will do anything to make you happy.

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Pam And Tommy’s Diseases Belong Together

2008-02-15T12:24:00.001-08:00

These are pics of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee going out for dinner. Who knows if they are seeing each other again but maybe Pamela misses Tommy’s big, monster… tattoos. If there was ever two rich degenerates that were made for each other, Pam and Tommy are them. I’m looking forward to their second wedding and to their second porn video. “The Pam And Tommy Adventures Part 2: Heptitis C.”

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Vanessa Williams Isn’t Very “Proactive”

2008-02-15T04:20:00.000-08:00

Vanessa Williams’ acne better not act up again because for a 42 year old, her body is not up to Hollywood standards. However, I know my dad would love to get in there.

Ron Jeremy Can Do Better

2008-02-15T03:50:00.000-08:00

Adrianne Curry is a cheap verson of Elizabeth Hurley. She was the first “America’s Next Top Model” and it proves my point that Tyra Banks hasn’t got a clue when it comes to discovering talent. I don’t even think this girl could get a job, working the early bird special at my local strip club. Speaking of which, I’m hungry. Time to get me some baked clams.

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Victoria Beckham Is My Kind Of Bitch

2008-02-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

These pics of Victoria Beckham are from Elton John’s reception party. I don’t know what it is but I have a sick, twisted infatuation with her. I think it’s because she looks like a greasy bitch and I have a fantasy of being dominated by one. I’m a little disappointed that her dress didn’t open a little more because I wanted to see her poorly shaped implants. Oh well, next time.

I Want Me A Debra Messing

2008-02-12T15:59:00.001-08:00

Debra Messing has great skin complexion, fashion sense and hair dye. I only wish that one day I could find me a lady like her.

More Poker B-Lists: Paris Hilton

2008-02-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

I think Nicole Richie has shared her diet secrets with Paris Hilton. Paris was skinny before but now she looks like a drug addict. I’ve been around my fair share of girls who do drugs and usually it’s the eyes that give it away. You may call it the smokey eyed effect, I call it the “I’m easy” effect.

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Victoria Beckham Is My Kind Of Bitch: Part Two

2008-02-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

Here are more pics of Victoria Beckham at Elton John’s wedding thingy. If I had brought a girl to my sister’s wedding dressed like that, my mother would have shot me. That’s why I love Posh. Even though she’s gross, she’s everything I ever wanted in an escort.

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What Not To Wear: Lindsay Lohan

2008-02-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

I hope that Lindsay Lohan is not wearing Chanel because that’s one of the most awful outfits I’ve seen anyone wear. This week, Chanel replaced Kate Moss with Lindsay Lohan and I think that’s a big mistake. I’d much rather a coke addict represent my clothes than an untalented problem child. At least Kate Moss has sex appeal and personality. Lindsay, on the other hand, has freckles and pasty skin.

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Bai Ling & Surrounding Areas

2008-02-12T15:46:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if you guys are familiar with Bai Ling’s nipples but here’s a little sample of what’s around them. I suggest that you do a google search on them because they’re something to be seen.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt Is The Bomb

2008-02-12T15:44:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Love Hewitt is the type of girl you want to bring home to mom. She’s the ideal little goodie too shoes . That’s probably why everything she touches fails. I’m not sure how well her show the Ghost Whisperer is doing but I’m going out on a limb and guessing that it’s not doing very well. I think the major reason why her career has been bombing is because she dated Carson Daly. In my professional opinion, that’s career suicide. It’s also very bad taste.

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Rachel Nichols Is Nippy & I Like

2008-02-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

It’s not very often that I want to make love to my monitor but if there was a way and I hope one day someone invents an apparatus for that purpose, Rachel Nichols would be receiving plenty of attention. However, it’s a good thing there isn’t such a device because then there would be more crabby single women and we don’t need another show like Sex In The City to let us know how insignificant men are.

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The Sexier Lara Croft

2008-02-12T15:39:00.000-08:00

I know these pics are old but I just discovered them. You may not know who Lucy Clarkson is (I didn’t) but you might have seen her as the Lara Croft model. If only they would have had her in the movie “Tomb Raider” instead of that Billy Bob Thornton lover… I mean Brad Pitt lover, Angelina Jolie. It may have done much better.

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A Maria Menounos Picture Moment

2008-02-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

Maria Menounos Pictures

Breaking News! The Dolls Empower Women

2008-02-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

“It’s a fun, affirmative, female-empowerment tour-de-force of musical styles that embraces pop music and urban music,” says A&M Records President Ron Fair, who helped produce the album. But music is only part of what can only be described as a Dolls merchandising juggernaut: There are plans for a Dolls perfume, a line of clothing and lingerie, a make-up line and even a reality-style TV project. (Pulse)

The Pussycat Dolls are some of the classiest women I’ve seen in a long time. Besides the fact that most of them look like dudes, I wouln’t mind a little more of this so-called female-empowerment-movement.

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Caprice Bikini Candids

2008-02-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

American model and reality TV star CAPRICE BOURRET was arrested in London on Saturday on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. The Californian beauty, 33, was stopped by police officers in the early hours of Saturday morning in Holborn, central London, and arrested. (ContactMusic)

I used to think that Caprice was the hottest plastic supermodel. Not anymore. I think anyone who goes behind the wheel and drives drunk should be humiliated by being stripped naked on national TV.

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Tara Reid Covers Up?

2008-02-12T15:13:00.000-08:00

I don’t like this version of Tara Reid. I prefer it when she’s drunk, drugged and when her breasts are hanging out of her shirt. I prefer most women that way. But what makes Tara unique is that she has the worst boob job ever and that fascinates me. There’s nothing more ironic than an insecure woman getting her breasts redone and then having them look worse than before.

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Kelly Brook & Inspector Clouseau

2008-02-12T14:57:00.000-08:00

These pics of Kelly Brook And The Pink Panther are from the “Harrods Sale Opening”. I prefer to see Kelly in a bikini because this look reminds me of the girl I brought to my prom, who promised me that we’d have a “great evening” and then passed out drunk before 11 PM.

Anne Hathaway’s Breasts Are Blooming

2008-02-12T11:31:00.000-08:00

In a trio of new films — ‘’Brokeback Mountain” in theaters, ‘’Havoc” on DVD, and the recently wrapped ‘’The Devil Wears Prada” — Hathaway is playing off her sweet-face image in ways that might make the devil blush. (Boston.com)

I don’t think it’s Anne Hathaway’s sweet faced image that might make a devil blush, it’s her breasts. Have you seen her sex scene in “Havoc”? I recommend that if you’re a regular looking actress but have a great rack, show them off. It will do wonders for your career.

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Naomi Watts Pregnant?

2008-02-12T10:39:00.001-08:00

Hollywood couple Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber are at the centre of pregnancy rumours after she was spotted visiting a fertility specialist in Australia. (Yahoo)

I always thought Naomi Watts was much younger than 37. Man, she looks damn good for her age but now I know why. She has no children. If these rumours of her pregnancy are true, it won’t be long till mother nature catches up with her.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Bad To The Bones

2008-02-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

Lindsay Lohan is turning into a bad ass. It’s not even Halloween and she’s wearing a scarf with skulls on it. Maybe, she wants to do an image change but I think the goth look is not a good choice. The slutty goth look is a much better one. That turns me on.

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Victoria Beckham Too Good For ‘Mr Nasty’

2008-02-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

Victoria Beckham has revealed why she won’t be a judge on Simon Cowell’s new ITV talent show. It seems that oft-pouting Posh doesn’t like the idea of being nasty. Victoria, 31, turned down offers to appear on a new variety-style show that Simon Cowell is making with Paul O’Grady. (Yahoo)

Having Victoria Beckham judge a talent competition is like having Simon Cowell be your barber. It’s just a bad choice. Victoria is great at one thing and that’s looking like a tramp. Unfortunately, there’s no contests for that. However, it would be a great idea for a hit reality show.

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Warning! Celine Dion In A Bikini

2008-02-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

First Celine Dion traumatizes us with her music, and now she traumatizes us with her itsy bitsy bikini.

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Tara Reid Hangs With The Boys

2008-02-11T05:44:00.000-08:00

I saw this very same scene in an adult movie a few days ago. There was one drunk girl in a bikini and a bunch of guys. I don’t need to tell you what the end result was but it sure wasn’t pretty.

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The Worst Wonder Woman Ever

2008-02-10T17:33:00.000-08:00

Haylie Duff Picture Album

Vanessa Marcil’s One Chance

2008-02-10T17:24:00.000-08:00

Vanessa, you have to call me. I know for a fact that you and I would make beautiful babies. When I was in university, I studied genetics. My analysis show that we have the ideal molecular breakdown to create the perfect offspring. I’m also younger than you so when you get old and ugly, I’ll still be young and vibrant. You’d be lucky to have me. This is a one time offer.

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Avril Can Cut Glass

2008-02-10T13:28:00.000-08:00

Don’t you love it when girls grow up to be women? Five years ago, I looked at Avril Lavigne as a little brat. Now I see her as a spoiled minx that’s been blessed with great tits. I don’t see those sagging any time soon. They’re just too perfect. If you think you have a better pair than Avril, email me and I’ll give you my professional opinion.

Mariah Carey Is Too Healthy!

2008-02-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

Mariah, what’s the deal? You have to stop eating all that junk food, baby. You’re getting way to big for my liking. I’m estimating that you put on 25 LBS this year and if you keep this up you can forget about your next album doing well. This goes out to all the restaurants in the world. Stop Feeding Mariah!

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Paris “Lazy Left Eye” Hilton

2008-02-10T12:53:00.001-08:00

I think Paris should try out for TLC. She seems to think she can sing, so why not? Her moniker can be “Lazy Left Eye”. Why? Because she has a lazy eye! I bet she’d fit in great with her stellar uncoordinated dance moves. I’m a little tired of this chick. She serves no purpose and shame on magazines for putting her in them. It’s sad because kids see her and want to be like her. “Hey look at Paris, she was in a sex tape and now she’s famous”. Then you wonder why young girls feel the need to fuck their way to popularity.

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Apology To Mariah

2008-02-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

I would like to apologize to Mariah Carey for my previous post. I think I may have come down a little hard on her for gaining weight. What was I thinking? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her except for her belly button region. That shit I’d cover up. I’m not an expert when it comes to women’s fashion but I know “the do’s and dont’s”. Exposing that belly is a don’t. With all that said, I’d still love to make Mariah hit high notes in my bed but only with the lights off. Actually, I can always use a little light. How about a flashlight pointing at her left breast?

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Fergie Patch Kid

2008-02-10T12:42:00.000-08:00

What a waste of a hot body and sexy voice. Everything from Fergie’s lips down to her toes gets me excited. However, this ain’t the same chick that came out 3 or 4 years ago. If so, I think she had her face reconstructed poorly. She looks like my niece’s Cabbage Patch Kid. However, I ain’t going to lie to you. I’d still give this girl the reverse “Fonzie”.

*If you don’t know what the reverse Fonzie is, think “Happy Days”. Real “Happy Days”.

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Sofia Vergara Puts The “T” In The Celebs Magazine

2008-02-10T12:38:00.001-08:00

Give me a sec. I need to wipe my desk…

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Tara Reid’s Boob Rag

2008-02-10T12:35:00.000-08:00

Why is it that every pic of Tara Reid in the last year seems like the same one over and over? Does she ever change her clothing? This chick has really got to do something with those boobs. Either wear a bra or get them fixed. I just noticed that I have a similar nasty t-shirt like the one Tara has. I just used it to clean my desk ten minutes ago.

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Jennifer Ellison’s Big Breasts And Grey Tooth

2008-02-10T12:30:00.001-08:00

I haven’t had much time this weekend to make any updates because my neighbor’s house is being renovated and the noise is driving me nuts. However, I came across these old pics of Jennifer Ellison and I’ve concluded that she’s not as pretty as I once thought. I don’t mind fake tits, fake hair or even fake eyelashes but I won’t tolerate a grey tooth. If you’re going to go to the extreme of changing your appearance, you can’t neglect your fucking teeth. That should be numero uno on anyone’s list.

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Uma Thurman “Super Ex Girlfriend”

2008-02-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

I’m sure Uma Thurman is a very nice chick but she’s no sex symbol. She’s shooting a movie called “Super Ex Girlfriend” and the only thing I find “super” are her big feet. She’s one of the reasons why I hate the “Kill Bill” movies. I’m not convinced that she’s a sexy vixen who can kick ass because Uma’s a plain chick and plain chicks work at the Gap. They don’t star in motion pictures.

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Mila Kunis: Airbrushed Sensation

2008-02-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

Ya right! As if Mila Kunis looks anything like that. I’d bang the girl in the magazine but I wouldn’t bang her.

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Wanted For Destroying Music

2008-02-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

It’s my new mission to shovel out the shit in music. I won’t quit or tire until something is done with these no talent hacks. Here’s a list of the worst artists of the year and some ever. If you think someone is missing, let me know. If you disagree with me, get off my site and never come back because you have shit taste in music. What I say is the law!

Top 5 Artists Destroying Music Today
1) Ashlee Simpson
2) Lindsay Lohan
3) Good Charlotte
4) Hilary Duff
5) Pussycat Dolls

Honorable Mention: Simple Plan, Nickelback, Destiny’s Child, Jessica Simpson, Dr. Dre (not him as a musician but because he’s to blame for giving us Eminem and 50 Cent).

More to come soon…

There You Are

2008-02-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

I used to have one of these as a pet when I was younger. Unfortunately, it escaped from its cage and was never found. Until now.

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Carmen Electra Promotes Fitness

2008-02-10T10:53:00.001-08:00

I have a love/hate relationship with Carmen Electra. I love her tits, ass, breasts and pretty much every single part of her body however she’s by far the third most useless celebrity after Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Now that porn is so widely available, she serves no purpose for me or really anyone. Why would I buy a $5 magazine with Carmen on the cover, when I can watch Jenna Jameson and friends take 15 men at once for free. Actually, Jenna Jameson is past her prime and I haven’t seen a porn with her in it for a long time. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen any porn in a while and I sit behind a computer all day. Can you believe that? I think I deserve some me time.

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Cameron Diaz Is One Happy Camper

2008-02-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

Remember Mask? That was the first time I saw Cameron Diaz and I was blown away by how gorgeous she was. Now, she looks as old as my mother and she’s 77. Lately, Cameron has been losing her cool and these pics from the premiere “In Her Shoes” prove that. Even at her own event the chick is angry. Perhaps, that’s why she’s so damn ugly now. No one likes a bitch. She reminds me of my ex girlfriend. When I first started slamming her, I thought she was the hottest piece of ass around. After three years, I’d find any excuse just to get away from her and out of the house. That’s why I limit my relationships now to 3 months. The girls always stay pretty.

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Hilary Duff’s ‘Beat Of My Heart’

2008-02-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, I posted a piece called Wanted For Destroying Music . I received so many emails on that post, and 98% of you agree with me (see, who said my readers aren’t smart? 98% of you are fucking brilliant!). I appreciate the support, and I’m grateful that others are with me in this all-too-important cause. We’re being fed poison by record labels and wannabe pop-stars. It’s bad enough that teenagers are starting to dress like skanks thanks to wannabe-celebs like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan (wait, maybe that’s a good thing…), but now they’re being corrupted by the poisonous bile that’s oozing from popular radio. It’s enough already!

I was serious when I said I wasn’t going to rest until I shovel the crap out of music, which brings me back to Hilary Duff. I just got out of my car and heard Hilary Duff’s new single “Beat Of My Heart.” This is one of the worst songs I have ever heard… Even worse than K-Fed’s “Y’all Ain’t Ready” (really!). I remember back to my elementary school talent shows; there was always this one girl who thought she could sing. She always made a fool of herself. Well, that’s Hilary in this song. Not only are the vocals bad, the lyrics are worse. Honestly, my eight-year-old dyslexic nephew can do a better job.

TO THE BEAT OF MY HEART
TO THE BEAT OF MY HEART
TO THE BEAT OF MY HEART
I’M THINKING ABOUT LETTING IT OUT
I WANT TO GIVE IN, I WANT TO GO OUT
BEEN LOOKING AROUND, I’VE FINALLY FOUND
THE RHYTHM OF LOVE, THE FEELING OF SOUND
IT’S MAKING A CHANCE, THE FEELING IS STRANGE
IT’S COMING RIGHT BACK, RIGHT BACK IN MY RANGE
NOT WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE
I’M WAKING UP….

She pretty much sings the line, “Beat of My Heart” a 1,000 times after that. No joke. The bridge is awful too. The purpose of a bridge is to bring the song in a new direction. It’s one of the most important elements in songwriting, and it can make or break the tune. This is the fucking bridge they come up with?

AWAY, AWAY, AWAY, AWAY

Honestly, everyone involved in the making of this song – from the songwriter to the record label – should be fired, and then pelted with stones for birthing such a piece of shit into the world.

Check Out A Sample Of “Beat Of My Heart” @ Hilary’s Homepage (www.hilaryduff.com)

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Pamela & Jillian’s Pre-Game Show

2008-02-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

When I watch sports, I want to focus on the game and forget about women for awhile. I don’t understand why Fox puts these two broads on their Pre-Game show just to report the weather. Do I really give a fuck about how cold it is in Cleveland? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind Pamela Anderson purposely sticking her chest out for a two minutes, it’s quite funny and it actually takes the focus off her aging face. I have to give her some credit, she’s much more appealing than Jillian Barberie. That’s for sure. That chick has way too much testosterone in her blood.

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Loves Slutty Activists

2008-02-10T10:23:00.000-08:00

I’ll never eat chicken nuggets again. Thanks to Jodie Marsh.

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Jessica Alba: Just An Afternoon Snack

2008-02-05T12:14:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what the infatuation is with Jessica Alba, but to me she’s just a plain chick with a hot body. She’s like a 4 pm snack. What I look forward to is dinner. I bet I can take any regular girl with a great physique, do a make over and blow Jessica out of the water. It wouldn’t be hard. I’ve seen her act for 5 minutes in a movie and she didn’t move me whatsoever. I recommend that she only do stripping roles and wear shirts that show off her nipples because that’s pretty much all she is good at.

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The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

2008-02-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

Pictures Album

This is for the ladies because real men prefer porn.

Warning! Taryn Manning

2008-02-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had sex with a chick, regretted it and then ran to the nearest medical clinic to get tested for an STD? Well, that’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I see Taryn Manning. She’s the poster girl for trailer park trash. The general rule is when a girl looks dirty, she usually is dirty. Proceed with caution.

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Xtina Doll Live In Concert

2008-02-05T11:42:00.000-08:00

I’d like to present you the blow-up doll that a bunch of us guys made my friend carry around from bar to bar at his bachelor party. It’s stupid things like this that we do for cheap laughs. But let me tell you, they’re chick magnets because he had some of the best sex of his life that night. Oops…Did I just write that?

Honestly Christina, it’s enough with the red lip stick. We get it.

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Will The Real Woman Please Step Forward

2008-02-05T11:34:00.000-08:00

Vanessa, my offer still stands. Waiting….

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The Truth About Diamonds: 15% Off Already

2008-02-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

In her electrifying first novel, Nicole Richie tells the sensational story of Chloe Parker, a rock royalty princess and a card-carrying member of Hollywood’s inner circle. At the age of seven, Chloe was adopted by a music superstar and his wife, transforming her life from rags to riches. What followed was a wild childhood distinguished by parties with movie stars and rock idols, run-ins with the press and the police, and a subsequent stint in rehab. (Amazon)

Why would Nicole Ritchie “write” a novel about her mundane life? From the looks of it, it’s an autobiography with the names changed. As you can see it’s already on special which doesn’t surprise me since every review I read was terrible. Does the public really want more of these no talent wannabes? It’s bad enough that people like Hilary Duff ruin the airwaves, do we really need b-list celebs infiltrating our book stores? Just take off your clothes, show some tits and maybe then I ‘ll respect you more. Unfortunately, Nicole has no breasts or even an ass, which renders her useless.

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“Moscow Zero” Straight To Video?

2008-02-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

(ContactMusic)- VAL KILMER and ALICIA SILVERSTONE will play unlikely homeless lovers in new psychological thriller MOSCOW ZERO.

We know that when you take two negatives it creates a positive. Therefore, I’ve concluded that this movie should be a mega hit. Actually fuck science, that ain’t happening here. Val Kilmer has sucked for the longest time and Alicia Silverstone’s looks have gone so far down the tubes that it’s practically impossible for this movie to even make theatres. So why am I writing about it then? Well, I just felt like discussing Alicia’s torpedo shaped breasts. Those are the oddest things I’ve ever seen. I don’t make this suggestion very often and I would never tell a girl this to her face but Alicia is in serious need of a boob job. If I was a woman, I wouldn’t be happy with those and I’d save every penny just to have them fixed.

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Lindsay Lohan’s “Performance” Improves

2008-02-04T13:19:00.000-08:00

I haven’t seen Lindsay Lohan’s performance on MTV’s TRL last Friday but from the looks of it, I’m guessing that it was the best mouthing she’s done live since her “music” career started. The last time I saw Lindsay on TV, she was like a deer caught in headlights. It looks like she has since loosened up and maybe now she’ll actually give singing a shot.

*Update- Just got hold of the video of Lindsay Lohan’s TRL performance and yup she’s still awful live. She destroyed Cheap Trick’s “I Want You To Want Me, which is a crime if you ask me and let’s not discuss her new song “Confessions of a Broken Heart” because even the recorded vocals are terrible.

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Chloe Sevigny: A Talented Actress

2008-02-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

Chloe Sevigny is one of the few actresses I admire in the film industry. We’ve all watched the blowjob clip from her film “Brown Bunny” and I believe that she’s one of the first starlets to actually do that on film rather than behind the scenes with casting directors. She ain’t the prettiest thing but as you might have noticed, she performs pretty damn well. I say give this chick an Oscar, she’s one of a few that deserve it.

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Kelly Osbourne’s Birthday Date

2008-02-04T12:57:00.000-08:00

Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is that Kelly Osbourne is 21 years old and she’s finally met her match. The bad news is that we still have to see her ugly mug in magazines and on TV. This is a promise to my readers. Kelly will never be on my site again, unless a miracle happens and she suddenly becomes pretty.

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Take A Turn On Vida Guerra

2008-02-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

I wonder how many rappers took their turns on Vida Guerra. That’s the only way I can justify how this girl with a face of a catcher’s mitt and an ass of cottage cheese becomes a “model”. Not a plus size model! A fucking model who’s in a bunch of men’s magazines. I like the booty. I jump on the booty any chance I get. But it’s got to be nice and firm. Otherwise, she better be pretty and have a great set of breasts.

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Warning! Sofia Vergara

2008-02-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

Warning! Do Not Enlarge These Photos At Work. May Cause Instant Gratification!

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Jessica Alba On The Set Of “Awake”

2008-02-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

(Insider) -JESSICA ALBA and ‘Star Wars’ actor HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN are joining forces for the upcoming thriller ‘Awake,’ per Daily Variety.

I don’t know who does the casting for these movies but when you take two of the worst actors and put them in a movie together, you can kiss your money goodbye. Why don’t film companies just donate their money to charity before investing in future crap. On a side note, wasn’t Hayden Christensen suppose to give up acting to become an architect? When I heard that, I was actually proud of him because I thought he realized that film wasn’t his forte. However, I have to give him some credit for sucking every penny he can from moron film producers that are willing to pay him.

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Madonna Has Launched More Than Albums

2008-02-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

As I look at these pics from Madonna’s album release party, it brings me back to my early years of masturbation. I think Madonna was the one that started it all with her live performance of “Like A Virgin” on a bed. She was humping those pillows like mad and let me tell you my couch cushions were looking mighty tempting. No matter what negative things people say about her, I’ll always have Madonna to thank for the beginnings of my self exploration.

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Amy Smart’s ‘Just Friends’ LA Premiere

2008-02-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

I don’t know much about Amy Smart but I think she’s a cutie and her new movie ‘Just Friends’ with Ryan Reynolds looks alright. I’m a fan of Ryan and I think anything he does is funny, especially marrying Alanis Morissette. It must be hard for him to work with a hottie like Amy and then have to go home to a gargoyle. That’s why my wife is going to be super hot because when I leave the strip club, I want to know that there’s something better waiting for me at home.

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Olsen Twins: “They’re legal…I swear!”

2008-02-04T12:13:00.000-08:00

Can someone explain these photos of the Olsen Twins?

Mariah Carey: Like Your Women Plump?

2008-02-04T12:01:00.001-08:00

This goes out to all the BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) lovers. Enjoy freaks!

What I find funny is that Mariah Carey is becoming the new Star Jones. It makes me a little sick to think that I used to get off on her, so please Mariah stop eating. I beg of you… It’s really getting out of hand. I used to love you and when I had my girl in my favorite position, I’d think of you. Don’t ruin our 3 year relationship. I mean the 3 year relationship I had with my ex. Actually, I dont care. Get fat. That bitch is gone.

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“Battle Of The Former Dutch Playmates”

2008-02-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

My Belgium friends from ZatteVrienden have informed me about a little contest going on with two former Playmates called “Battle Of The Former Dutch Playmates”. I’d like to introduce you to Katja Schuurman. She’s up against some other Playmate. I need my readers to check out her homepage and by doing so, you’d be casting a vote. This is really important because I think I’m in love with her and maybe if we send her enough votes. she’ll make us a video.

Jessica Biel Is One “Hard” Woman

2008-02-04T04:33:00.000-08:00

Here’s Esquire’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” Jessica Biel at the New York premiere of Elizabethown. Like I said before, she ain’t ugly… for a transsexual that is. She’s way too bulky and frankly, I find her very intimidating. She’s like the “women” you meet travelling in Thailand. You think you’re hooking up with some hot local, only to discover it’s a dude. Luckily this has never happened to me, but my friend on the other hand…let’s just say he “sealed the deal” and from that day on we never bring it up.

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Xbox 360’s High Priced “Girls”

2008-02-04T04:26:00.000-08:00

Carmen Electra

Keira Knightley’s Non Nipple Slip Photos

2008-02-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

This is the first time that I actually think Keira Knightley looks like a woman because she’s not flaunting her Leonardo DiCaprio like body. It’s also nice to see her without her nipple exposed. Lately, Keira’s been the nipple queen and I don’t get it. She’s flat! These pics actually do her more justice because if you take the attention off her boyish physique, she does have a pretty face.

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Spike TV’s Video Game Awards

2008-02-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

-I’d make naughty movies with her

-I’d marry her

-I’d cheat on my wife with her

Lindsay Lohan In A Bikini

2008-02-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

Lindsay Lohan Pictures

Pamela Anderson Profile Shot Of The Day

2008-02-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

I guess there’s no way to hide those. I remember playing little league and I never had the pleasure of having one of the mothers look like Pamela Anderson. It’s too bad because maybe I would have tried a little harder to hit more home runs. Or maybe not, it might have been more difficult to concentrate. It’s a good thing for jock straps.

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Madonna- Sweatin’ To The Oldies

2008-02-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

For a religious woman, Madonna really knows how to spice things up. I’m not sure what it is but recently she’s been turning me on. I’m ashamed to admit this because it’s very unlike me. Here I’m looking at an older woman with sweat all over her body, her nipples poking out and a weathered face but yet I’m excited. I’m not going to lie. I’d definitely hit that up. However, I know I’d regret it afterwards.

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Rachel Stevens Has All The Right Junk

2008-02-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

Rachel Stevens is like the equivalent of Lindsay Lohan in the UK …minus the drugs and anorexia. She also destroys her in looks and in lyp syncing capabilities. In this performance, I enjoyed her microphone technique immensely. I wish she’d become more popular in the States because if we’re going to shovel crap like Lindsay and Ashlee, we might as well give our youth a healthier role model.

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Avril Lavigne Wears Girlie Undies

2008-02-03T05:53:00.000-08:00

I like chicks like Avril Lavigne. They act tough but they’re just little girls inside. I also like the fact that she’s beginning to show some sex appeal. What I don’t like about Avril is that she’s with that munchkin from Sum 41. I laugh when I see pictures of them because he’s so short. It’s a good thing that he picked up a guitar and joined a band because without the success of Sum 411, he’d be that small creepy guy in the back of the strip club.

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